Three days ago I learnt that I lost a family member.
And I did what I usually do in these situations.
I kept going, “doing”. I kept telling myself “It’s all good. It happens”.
I just kept doing. Doing all my routinely tasks.
In the midst of the “doing” I did a lot.
Mechanically, in denial.
I noticed one of the opt-in forms of my blog wasn’t placed right.
I decided to fix it.
I needed to keep “doing”.
I ended up breaking my blog.
Trying to fix things, I broke my blog. The design I had so carefully implemented was gone.
My blog has been an extremely important part of my life for the last year and every single detail of it I have been attentively crafting throughout this time.
And in minutes I broke it.
Just the design by the way. Thankfully it still functions and I can still be here communicating with you.
Anyway…If I would tell my self a month ago that I would mistakenly break my blog, I would picture myself very upset, getting right-into-action to contact a web programer to help me restore it, and impatiently still trying to play around with the codes to try to fix it.
None of that happened.
Instead I looked at the computer screen and said to myself:
“oh, it is broken”
And I just stared at it… and stared… and stared some more…. not focusing, not there in the situation.
I wasn’t here nor there either. I was numb.
That is when I realized, I was in shock.
I was in denial and I didn’t want to believe. I kept “doing” because “everything is all right”.
It wasn’t. I finally accepted: I wasn’t feeling alright.
I finally let myself be. I finally allowed myself to feel everything.
I sobbed for almost an hour.
Then I turned to things that nourish me and support me.
I sat still and meditated so deeply and profoundly as I hadn’t done in months. In the midst of pain, I felt joy and peace.
Everything so different then years ago.
Years ago another family member passed away . I stayed on that “numb-mechanical” state for weeks. I had bursts of emotions but would quickly “regroup” and hide again on mechanically “doing” and “just keep going” with my life.
This time things went different because I am different.
Sorrow and sadness are still present, of course.
But this time I heard myself. I heard what I needed.
This time I didn’t try to fight it. I didn’t try to “hang in there”.
This time I just let myself be. I surrendered.
I am learning to truly take care of myself.
And I am so grateful for this beautiful journey of growth and awareness.
Much Love to you all and wishing you a beautiful weekend of rest and self-care,
The appearance of things change according to the emotions, and thus we see magic and beauty in them, while the magic and beauty are really in ourselves. -- Kahlil Gibran