Three days ago I learnt that I lost a family member.
And I did what I usually do in these situations.
I kept going, “doing”. I kept telling myself “It’s all good. It happens”.
I just kept doing. Doing all my routinely tasks.
In the midst of the “doing” I did a lot.
Mechanically, in denial.
I noticed one of the opt-in forms of my blog wasn’t placed right.
I decided to fix it.
I needed to keep “doing”.
I ended up breaking my blog.
Trying to fix things, I broke my blog. The design I had so carefully implemented was gone.
My blog has been an extremely important part of my life for the last year and every single detail of it I have been attentively crafting throughout this time.
And in minutes I broke it.
Just the design by the way. Thankfully it still functions and I can still be here communicating with you.
Anyway…If I would tell my self a month ago that I would mistakenly break my blog, I would picture myself very upset, getting right-into-action to contact a web programer to help me restore it, and impatiently still trying to play around with the codes to try to fix it.
None of that happened.
Instead I looked at the computer screen and said to myself:
“oh, it is broken”
And I just stared at it… and stared… and stared some more…. not focusing, not there in the situation.
I wasn’t here nor there either. I was numb.
That is when I realized, I was in shock.
I was in denial and I didn’t want to believe. I kept “doing” because “everything is all right”.
It wasn’t. I finally accepted: I wasn’t feeling alright.
I finally let myself be. I finally allowed myself to feel everything.
I surrendered.
I sobbed for almost an hour.
Then I turned to things that nourish me and support me.
I sat still and meditated so deeply and profoundly as I hadn’t done in months. In the midst of pain, I felt joy and peace.
I painted.
I journaled.
Everything so different then years ago.
Years ago another family member passed away . I stayed on that “numb-mechanical” state for weeks. I had bursts of emotions but would quickly “regroup” and hide again on mechanically “doing” and “just keep going” with my life.
This time things went different because I am different.
Sorrow and sadness are still present, of course.
But this time I heard myself. I heard what I needed.
This time I didn’t try to fight it. I didn’t try to “hang in there”.
This time I just let myself be. I surrendered.
I am learning to truly take care of myself.
And I am so grateful for this beautiful journey of growth and awareness.
Much Love to you all and wishing you a beautiful weekend of rest and self-care,
Raine.
The appearance of things change according to the emotions, and thus we see magic and beauty in them, while the magic and beauty are really in ourselves. -- Kahlil Gibran
Sorry for your loss. I hope you can remember the good times, the happy times.
Thank you so much for your note Steve. I certainly will remember those good happy times we had. 🙂
I’m so sorry someone you loved has passed. I want to give you a great big, huge hug, my friend.
I was overjoyed though, to hear how you’re nurturing and taking care of yourself through this very sad time. It’s amazing the opportunities for growth that this kind of thing presents us with. You’re amazing and I’m sure you’re loved one would be incredibly proud of you. xxx
Shan! You are so awesome!
I know, growth is everywhere, even when we don’t want it to be.
Thank you so much for your encouraging words.
Sorry for your loss – big hugs coming your way xxx
Well done for recognising that you needed to give yourself some time to grieve and heal, and doing just that x
Thank you LJ, it was hard to let myself be, but it was and it is the best I can do for myself and the situation right now.
So sorry to hear about your loss and how brave of you to allow yourself to surrender to your feelings. Sending you love xx
Aww Morag, thank you!!!! It was hard, I tell ya 🙂
But I am so glad I did.
Thank you for your kind note.
Absolutely beautiful post darling! That quote at the end is amazing!
Thank you my love. For all your support, for being here with me and everything else. ♥
Raine, I’m so sorry for your loss. Everyone grieves in their own way. Just remember to be good to you! <<>>
Thank You so much Lynn, I am, really am being nice to myself 🙂
I am so sorry to hear of your loss.
Thank you for your post & I am glad to hear that you are looking after yourself x
Thank you so much Anita! 🙂
Sorry for your loss. (((HUGE hugs)))
I lost 2 loved ones in 2 months’ times last summer. I learned quickly to say “Wait! I need a minute!”
Wow! 2 in 2 months! Oh Kimmie, that must had been hard!!
Thank you for your note. Hugs are always appreciated 🙂
Im so sorry for your loss. However, I’m glad you’ve been listening to yourself, accepting the pain and that comes with it. Im glad you shared. Thank you for sharing through your pain. This post (and the desktop pic!) bought tears to my eyes. Xxxxxx bless you! Xxxx
Aaaawww Cheryl! You are so sweet! It really means a lot to me that you like the painting. It has been amazingly healing and supportive to stay connected with my art. SO glad you can feel it! ♥
Sending you big hugs during your time of grieving. But so happy that you have grown from this experience and realized that all moments, even moments of complete and utter loss, provide experiences for growth, sorrow, and joy.
xo,
J
I lost my husband 16 years ago today. I still mourn but I ran across your blog and realize it’s ok
I’m going through this right now. I lost my idol on 10/11/13 – my big sister. I know I’ve not grieved properly, but I’m not ready to let her go. Her birthday is the end of this month and I don’t know how I’m going to handle it.
I think this is one of the big reasons I’m looking at getting a planner/journal. To write all my emotions & thoughts instead of bottling everything up.
I too just found your blog and I love reading how you coped. Thanks for showing me how I can handle two recent losses.